I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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