If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
