anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
