Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
