Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
