what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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