I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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