69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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