Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
