I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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