I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
