I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
