I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
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Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
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No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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