my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
