fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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