I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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