All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
