U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
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