I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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