i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Is Oprah even human
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
