I accidentally burped into my bong.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
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