Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Is it penis luge time yet?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
