Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Randomize
