i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
