I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I think I just sharted jello shots
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