just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
The Olympian is in my bed
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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