I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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