First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
