i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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