Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.