Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
did you just send me my own nude
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange