then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.