I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.