my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
