You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
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I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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