I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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