I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
My liver just had a heart attack.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
