i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
