did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
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