Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
