She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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