omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
