i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
