the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
