She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
The feeling are messing with the penis
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
