I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
