im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
