I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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