Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
