Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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