Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You ate ashes out of my bong
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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