sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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