Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
you guys were way drunker than both of me
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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