the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Less talking, more tequila
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
