He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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