i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
