It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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