She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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