i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
