I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
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Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
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You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
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