Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
