DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
