every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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