someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Let's paint friendship bongs
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
